Everything work-related always weighs heavy on my mind. My financial situation isn't that great to start with, so whenever something threatens my job-security, I start to panic. I want to stay at the hotel. Worse: I *need* to stay at the hotel, or otherwise I'll have to cough up 1500 Euro's for the laptop that I bought through our PC-program. Normally, the amount is spread out over 24 months, but when you leave the company, you have to cough up everything you haven't paid yet.
So, monetary issues force me to stay at the hotel, but that doesn't mean that the hotel wants me to stay.... What's even worse: the boss told me some things during the evaluation that were spot on. I don't like my current job. I'm happiest when I have guests around me. I should be in Operations, not in the office. However, I've grown so accustomed to office hours, that I wouldn't wnat to lose them. And I graduated from Hotel Management school. I'm supposed to be able to run an entire friggin' hotel. Then why can't I even manage to keep a job as a lowly facility officer?
This is all so confusing to me. I wish I could leave the entire hotel business behind me. I wish I could go into entertainment. Anything with theater, music, radio, TV fascinates me. It just so happens that it's next to impossible to get a decent job in that sector.
And then there's also the family factor. Mom and dad still think I'm very happy here at the hotel and that all's going swell. They don't know yet about the job evaluation. If I told them, they wouldn't be able to sleep anymore. They've always been very protective of me and my brother. They have enough troubles of their own with mom's poor health and dad's jobstress. I'm afraid that if I told them the truth, they wouldn't be able to cope with it, which would only add to my own worries.
As I read this, I get the feeling that I'm on a spiral, going down. Eventually I'll get out of it and either have a new job in the hotel, or somewhere else. The jobhunt hasn't been very productive so far. Enough openings for waiters and bellhops, but I'm not going back to that level anymore.
I'm heading for a depression and I wish that just for once in my life I could have a little luck and land myself a great job with good pay and perfect for my capabilities. Then again, wouldn't we all?