I don't know what made me fall into this sudden depressive mood, but since I promised to write about my life, I might as well fill y'all in about my dark side. Things were fine a few hours ago, but now, maybe because I just watched the Spawn movie (not really cheery) or because I tried a tasteless meal-replacing milkshake (Weightwatchers kiss my behind), I'm a little down right now. Don't feel like sleeping yet.
So, what is it that bothers me? Welcome to Rob's Angsts 101
- My weight. It runs in the family: dad and brother are on the 'chubby' side, and although I want to avoid that, I can't seem to get my act together. It's not that I'm unhappy with my looks (OK, I should lose the love-handles), but even though I'm concerned about myself, every attempt at losing weight never lasts longer than a few days. I'm full of good ideas, I know what I should and shouldn't eat, I know I should get some excersize, take a walk instead of a drive. Then why am I not doing it??? Why can't I seem to find the motivation to go the distance? I'm not fat, I don't have an eating disorder, I don't have boulimia, I only want to lose a few kilo's. Why am I so fixated on my weight issue? And why am I fixating on the fixation? The only 'support' I get is from a friend who says I 'should keep an eye on my figure', a dietary expert (fooddoctor, for lack of a better word) who I only get to see 1 hour every three weeks, and my mom who showers me over the phone with well-meant advice every few days. Advice that's starting to get so awfully repetetive, I've stopped paying attention to her when I have her on the line. If I really want to lose weight, I need help from someone closeby, since I lack the willpower.
- Which brings me to issue 2: Lack of someone closeby (read: partner). Six and a half years ago, I was in a relationship. She was my first girlfriend and I was totally, utterly in love. Her ex was a psycho, stalked her, and her family even had to go to court to issue a restraining order. Needless to say she was a mess when I first met her. I had an interesting yet wonderful 5 months in which I helped her get back from an emotional wreck into a selfconfident beautiful girl. I thought everything was perfect, until she told me she had a boyfriend. I was perplexed and asked her what that made me. She answered that she had needed me to get through a rough time, and over her ex. Now she was back on her feet again, I was of no use to her anymore. And so I was dumped. Imagine the feeling of someone ripping your heart out and throwing it into a blender. Since then I haven't had a serious relationship anymore. Come to think of it, I haven't had ANY kind of relationship anymore. The first years I focussed solely on my studies. I graduated from Hotel Management School, got a good job, and only since the last two years, the ice king is starting to thaw. Now all those years of voluntary solitude are coming back to haunt me. I'm lonely. Yes, I know I can 'join the club'. I'm not the only one out there who's single and unhappy. Spare me any advice about getting more socially active. I get out of the house enough, I have friends with whom I go out and have a drink, I'm in a band, I have no shortage of attention. Somehow I just can't seem to get in touch with a kindred soul. And even though the internet is a bad place to go looking for love (save for some exceptions, you know who you are :), I give it a try. Why not? I mean, it's free, it's anonymous, you get to know someone's personality before her looks. The thing is: I'm too honest. Usually, whenever I start to talk to a nice girl, one of two things happens. One: the moment I mention the fact I'm a little overweight (yes, I'm THAT honest), they're gone. (So much for 'Personality is more important than looks', eh girls? Your silence does wonders for my ego) or Two: we get along so nicely that I end up with a wonderful friend who shares her deepest secrets with me, but who sees me as a brother rather than a lover. This doesn't mean I'm not happy with that outcome, I mean, I've met some absolutely superb female friends - both online and in real life, friends for life-, but that doesn't stop that nagging feeling inside. The feeling that needs a hug, a kiss, a kind word and some love to go away.
- Finally, issue #3, the job thing. At the end of 2001, I quit my job at a bungalowresort, because I was denied of a promotion that was promised to me for nearly two years. My next job was already in the works, all I needed to do was sign the contract. But that contract never came. Due to 'economical circumstances in the hotel business', the hotel where I was going to work had to cancel all negotiations, even though everything was agreed to verbally. Since I never signed anything, I couldn't hold them to their spoken agreement. Yes, I could've sued, but the profits would've never outweighed the negative publicity. (The hotelbusiness can be a small business. Names and news travel fast). And so, I found myself without a job all of a sudden. To make ends meet, I tended bar in an Irish pub a few nights a week, but that was only a temporary solution. The employment office didn't do much to help me either. After three months, the only job available was at McD's. Since I needed the money, and maybe even out of curiosity I accepted the job offer. Now we're two months further down the road. I'm almost a Shiftmanager, I have more people working under me than I ever had, the job is still fun, but this little voice inside of me tells me that this is not what I had planned. ANY nitwit with some insight could work himself up to shiftmanager. I graduated from Hotel Management School. Why am I here? My heart lies with the traditional hotel- and restaurant business. Two months ago, Management trainee was the only job available in the area. I repeat: I like my job, I really want to do my best to make this work, to get noticed. Then why doesn't that little voice in my head cease to confuse me? Is it because McD's has a bad reputation as an employer? Is it because it might look bad on my resume? I don't want to have these doubts. I want to get to work, do my job, get paid and make a career. McD's gives me that opportunity. Am I so afraid of what others might think of my employer, that it keeps me from being happy with my work?
Sheesh, I've been typing for over 45 minutes now. Guess I had to get this off my chest. There's no relief. Not yet. Don't see this as a cry for help. 95% of the time, I'm the cheerful, funny guy you know and love. I've given you a look at the other 5%. Hopefully it doesn't scare you away. If it does, maybe you weren't the friend I thought you were. Feel free to comment and shine your light over my ramblings. In the mean time I'll see if I can get some much needed rest. Thanks for reading.