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Your friday giggle


Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek

10. Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40

9. The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it? And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

8. Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity." Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

7. Seatbelts.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"

6. No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look
pensive."

Firefly:

Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?

3. Technobabble.
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.

2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
damanique
May. 16th, 2008 02:01 pm (UTC)
LOL.

Some comments:

#10: not just noisy doors. Noisy computer interfaces. Noisy bleeps. Noisy computer network that talks back. REALLY annoying, and not just in Star Trek. In most science fiction movies or series, everything you touch, point, click, scroll and moves on a computer interface bleeps. Gahhh!

It's just a part of media sound design. Can't help it. The bleeps put extra emphasis on the technology that is being used, so that the viewer doesn't just see a progress bar but hears it; not just sees a button clicked or a window opened, but hears it. It is put in mostly for those less nerdy, so that they can understand what is happening without knowing anything about graphical user interfaces.

#5:
Battlestar Galactica:

Bill Adama: Arm and load all nuclear weapons.
Helo: Yessir.
(actual quote :P)

#4: lol redshirts.

#2: omg, yes! The Holodeck would be used as one big orgy room XD
murdocnl
May. 16th, 2008 04:45 pm (UTC)
Bah, I still like it. *holds up nose*
bakenius
May. 16th, 2008 05:50 pm (UTC)
#2 You know, the crew of the Enterprise D was a strange nerdy bunch in that respect. The Holodeck's at Quarks on DS9 are used for holodeck novels of the intimate variety (like Vulcan Love Slave 2), pleasure mazes, bloody re-enactments of Klingon genocides or to show off the effects latest weapons of mass destruction. (they're only holograms afterall)

#1 What point do you trying to make here? If aliens races interfere in the business of the federation (like blowing up Earth) the Prime Directive does not apply. But really, where the federation in the haydays of Picard thought they did a good job not interfering (which they never effectively did) they failed to see that just randomly 'first-contacting' planets in the Gamma quadrant was a level of grotesque interference not tolerated by the Dominion.

Ugh somebody shut me up, I'm such a trekkie >_>
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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